A Little Honesty...

I don't know what's up with me lately.
It's as though I feel like I can't do anything right. All the things I can't get done seem to be heavy on my heart and mind. Then I feel like the worst wife/mother/friend/me in the world.
Yesterday was rough. I had a class last night and afterward a friend prayed with me. That lifted it and I guess I feel a little better today. I just don't know.

Sometimes I get to this place where God is doing something in me and I know I'm in a tough spot, but I also know that it will be better. I don't know how to explain it, but it's true and it is always better.
I just need to stay open to what He is doing and I'll get there.

I think some of it is that I don't have any time to myself lately and if I am alone, then I'm working on something or whatever. Yes, I go to the gym, but that's not really alone.
My husband goes with me. Please don't take that as a negative. If it weren't for him, I probably wouldn't go as much as I do. Hearing him say he is going or wants to go, drives me to jump in as well and I love it. Though even there I feel like I let him down because I take longer than he does. He can't do some of the leg machines because of his knees. I know he has to get tired of waiting around for me. You need to know he doesn't say that, it's just how I feel... defeated everywhere I turn. That no matter which way I go, I'm letting someone down.

It's the quiet times alone. I miss them. I have ADD and in many ways, I think it can be a gift. Then there are those times like now... when there is no stillness.
I have really wanted to go to Starbucks and bring a book to spend some time alone, but then I talk myself out of it. To much to do or to much of a pain to arrange.
The reality is... there's something about being alone that is really bothering me.

I've finally bought into the reality that I am "worth it" when it comes to eating well and working out... but as far as the quiet times. I think that is where my "worth it" is really tested.


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